Joe and I first met when I was sixteen. It was love at first sight for me. I recall distinctly that a gentle voice whispered during our first encounter, “He will make an excellent husband for you!” Where that intuition came from, I had no idea. It might have had something to do with the fact that I grew up without a father figure. At the age of 23, he came across as a very mature and thoughtful young man a girl liked me could trust and build a friendship with. Needless to say, our relationship has gone through its usual ups and downs over a long courtship, 3 decades of marriage and our raising 3 children together. Today we are still deeply connected. We laugh at each other’s silly jokes, talk over a glass of wine, and enjoy spending time with our grownup daughters whenever we can while bringing up our teenage son. What’s the secret to our lasting and endearing partnership? Well, there are many. But honestly, the two most important lessons can be learned from ballroom dancing which I love so much about.
Independent Commitment
When learning to dance with a partner, the first concept one has to grasp is commitment. The person who can’t commit to the weight change from one movement to another tends to wobble and has to cling onto the partner who is more stable on their feet. In the case that neither can balance themselves, it becomes a constant struggle. The stronger one may knowingly or unknowingly exert unnecessary force to keep the other in step and in frame. Sounds like a relationship in trouble, right?
On the contrary, a skillful and well-rehearsed pair move together with a purpose as one unit. Each is able to hold his/her own. They lend support to each other to build momentum, fill the space, the time, and create the most elegant shapes and lines that can only be made by two people.
During the Chinese Cultural Revolution, my father was sent to Yunnan located in Southwest China to be reformed. He was on the black list because of his capitalist family background. My mother decided to join her husband and left her children under the care of our grandma. The rationale was we would live in better conditions and receive better education in a big city instead of a poverty-stricken region like Yunnan. Our sweet, hardworking and petite grandma wasn’t given the opportunity to go to school (because she was girl) and therefore couldn’t read or write, but she taught me kindness and dignity which made me who I am today. My parents visited once every 4 years. I didn’t know I had a mom and dad until I was 5 years old. When they finally relocated to Shanghai upon retirement, I was already in college. Immediately after obtaining the bachelor’s degree, I married my best friend. Like so many of their generation, my parents were robbed of the joy of being present when their little girl took the first step or uttered the first word. They missed her first day of school, birthdays and many teacher-parent conferences and graduations. My ailing father did offer a piece of advice before I embarked on the journey to join my husband in New York City. “Hongwei (my Chinese name), you are very young. Build your career and don’t give up working. You want to be independent!” He passed away two years later.
My father was referring to financial independence of course. Over time, I’ve come to the realization that emotional independence is just as important. The combination of the two has enabled me to hold my own especially when things get tough. Two self-reliant and thriving individuals bring energy and enrichment into an otherwise mundane life.
A successful union boils down to commitment. Commitment to each other, to self-dependence and continuous self-betterment, and to having each other’s back in good and bad times.
Communication
There are too many books written on effective communication for couples: tone of voice, body language, start with “I’ not ‘You’, stick with the issues at hand, and on and on. All of them offer valid advice. But in my opinion, whenever love and compassion dominate a relationship, communication ought to be smooth and easy. It is blocked when negativity prevails. Therefore, the key is to return to the place of acceptance and understanding that brought you together in the first place.
In traditional ballroom dancing, the man leads and the lady follows. They communicate via non-verbal cues. Through practice, she learns to take the signal from him, decode and execute the intended move in a split second. An experienced lead understands the strengths and weakness of his partner and guides her with such skills and smoothness that it brings out the best in her. In the case that the woman is more gifted, she makes leading look effortless and blossoms in the space of their making. Both are willing to compromise in order to achieve the integrity of the whole. Can you imagine how much more satisfying and rewarding it can be if we consciously apply the same mentality to our spouses? Going from stepping together to waltzing with magnificent rise and fall takes tremendous amount of effort, but the end result is so worth it!
Unfortunately, even with the best intention, we sometimes fall into the trap of the blame game in the face of stress. Joe and I danced together for almost 5 years. We took lessons from a small studio that hosted showcases every other month. Getting ready to perform at the Star of the Night became a point of contention. “You pulled me out of balance”, “You didn’t turn enough and that’s why we were stuck!”, “You have to relax your arm” were some of the unpleasant things we said to each other.
Later on, when I made the decision to switch to Celebrity Dance Studio in order to bring our dance to the next level, my dear husband said to me, “You go ahead baby! I don’t want to perform or compete. I just want to have a dance with you sometimes. I think I’ve graduated for that. So you go and have fun for both of us!” It dawned on me that dance was never his thing and he did it to make me happy! I was even more touched when he turned our son’s toy room in the basement to a dance studio so that I could practice at home. Even though our dance gig fell apart, but because we communicated from a warm place of love and compassion, our 30-year-marriage is very much intact. I spend hours and hours dancing while Joe enjoys his downtime reading, napping or watching a movie with a beer or glass of wine.
Stress comes in many shapes and colors: work, money problems, bad health, children, or boredom. Instead of blaming the other person for the causing the issues, look inwardly to see what changes you can make to strengthen the partnership and keep the communication channel open and free.
If your relationship isn’t where it needs to be, try something new by dancing with your partner. You may gain valuable insights from the exercise. Once you are comfortable with stepping in sync, challenge yourselves to tango together. They don’t say “It takes two to tango” for no reason. You will have the opportunity to practice patience, timing, precision, self-expression and much more, all of which contribute to a stronger and deeper connection.