Joe’s niece’s wedding that was supposed to happen in three weeks is still off. Joe will be in China next week. His sister asked if we wanted the wedding gift back. I am an optimist in true love. Anything can happen in three weeks or the gift will go to the next one in the family who will get married. So now there are two nieces and two nephews on Joe’s side who all came close to tying the knot, but things fell apart at different stages of wedding planning. That is 100% failure rate.
On my side of the family, the next generation is a bit younger, in their 20s. The three kids to my three cousins live in different parts of the world: Australia, Singapore and Shanghai. My sister’s daughter is here in the U.S., getting ready to enter graduate school this fall. Nikki, the niece who lives in Shanghai graduated from college a couple of years ago and is working for an international trading company. Nikki is pretty and sweet, not spoiled and self-centered like some of her X-Gen peers. She was her parents’ good girl by all means. But in her early twenties, Nikki started to exhibit an interest in dating older guys online, which caused serious concerns for her parents. She was drawn to a Turkish guy who was 12 years her senior. The internet relationship lasted for almost a year although the two never got to meet in person. Needless to say, it was a huge relief when Nikki decided not to move to Turkey amd marry this guy. Nikki’s mother had a few excellent candidates for her to consider but her daughter wasn’t interested. Soon she hooked up with a Japanese man who was initially 3 years older, then 6 years older and then 9 years older than Nikki. Nikki told her parents that Yukio would like to travel from Japan to Shanghai to see her. My cousin lost it, “I’ll punch him in the face and kick him out if he ever sets his foot in my house!” Nikki stopped talking to them about Yukio after that, and soon the communication channel was completely jammed. Nikki’s parents no longer have any idea what she is up to even though the three of them live in the same home.
I promised my cousin and his wife that I’d keep an eye on Nikki. So I began emailing her. Nikki told me about Yukio and why she liked her. I asked her to be careful about internet relationships because to me it’s important to look someone in the eye when he says he loves you. Nikki said she and Yukio skyped frequently and had had numerous meaningful conversations. A couple of days ago, Nikki sent me a picture of her and Yukio. He had made a trip to Shanghai without her parents’ knowledge.
I responded, “Yukio is a handsome looking guy. I can see why you like him.” I reminded her again of being cautious and wise about the content and images exchanged via the phone or internet. She agreed that she wouldn’t do anything that would cause regret and headache in the future.
I can’t tell Nikki’s parents about this because if I do, I’ll lose her trust and she’ll stop talking to me. I know my cousin loves her little girl dearly and is very protective of her. As much as they disapprove this unconventional relationship, it’d be wise to meet with Yukio and keep the communication open. My cousin is actually pushing Nikki away by rejecting her choice of a boyfriend.
Our kids live in this dangerous cyber world filled with traps and temptations. In the old days, parents pretty much knew their kids’ daily activities and neighbors would fill in the gap if we missed something especially bad. Today they are exposed to so much so quickly, which makes parenting enormously challenging. If they choose to shut us out, we’d have no way of knowing what’s going on.
All the failed attempts to get to the altar in our family demonstrate that the Chinese X-Gen seriously lacks the interpersonal skills to maintain intimate and rewarding relationships. I don’t know why Nikki prefers dating someone online versus someone she can look in the eye, feel and touch. Day-to-day short-distance relationships can create real conflicts and challenges. Maybe Nikki is trying to keep the illusion of a rosy romantic relationship while avoid the heartache that comes with it by hiding behind the computer screen. She and Yukio may seem so close but in reality they are worlds apart.
It’s more critical than ever for parents to maintain an open dialogue with their adolescents. Most Asian parents don’t want their teenagers to think about let alone be involved in romantic relationships. They should focus on studying and getting into prestigious colleges. Therefore most parents are caught off guard when their daughters are side tracked by boys. I believe it is imperative for parents to discuss romance, sex, responsibility and consequences with their teenagers and help them form the characteristics of the partner they ought to seek. Show admiration to your husband in front of your girls when he exhibits any of the characters. Allow them to witness that real people who are in love don’t always agree, but they find ways to appreciate their differences and stay in love. There is nothing wrong with preferring your daughter to date someone with solid education and sufficient income. Tell her stories about how you met her dad in college, how your love blossomed by sharing the common goals and interests and how both of you have been working hard to enjoy the life you now share with them. Because if we don’t plant these concepts in their heads early, they’ll get all sorts of unrealistic and distorted ideas from the Internet, the reality shows, Hollywood and their friends.
Studies show that 91% of the women in U.S. won’t marry someone who meets all her expectations if she isn’t in love with him. In spite of all our efforts, we have no control over whom our girls will fall in love with. If the guy is a clear threat to your daughter’s safety, you should do all you can to keep them apart. Otherwise, try very hard to respect her choice even if you don’t approve. Usually the stronger the external force to break them, the more determined they want to stay together. You have to let this thing run its course. If it isn’t meant to be, she’ll see it and make decisions accordingly.
Nikki is twenty-four years old, and so really there is nothing her parents can do to stop her from contacting Yukio. They are at their wits end as to how to deal with the situation. But unless my cousin and his wife adjust their attitude and behavior, Nikki will continue to keep them in the dark. No parents will ever drop their daughter in the woods, take off and leave her alone to fight off the bears and wolves. But somehow we let her wander on the Internet jungle unsupervised and unrestricted and expect nothing bad to happen. Parents have to find ways to get into that space and stay connected with their children.
I hope that Nikki knows that she can always turn to auntie Linda if she ever needs listening ears or shoulders to cry on. All young girls today need someone who will listen and provide guidance. You can be that someone to somebody.