Friday evening when Joe and I were in our dance lesson, Jane kept on calling, asking if I knew where her swimsuits were. I was woken up late that night by her text messages indicating the ones I found and left on her bed were Michelle’s. Then I heard noises of chairs being moved and doors opening and closing. Obviously Jane was determined to find her swimsuits.
Saturday morning, we were at Jake’s Tae Kwon Do belting testing. The text messages started coming again, only this time with a different tone. “It must be the cleaning ladies who threw them away,” Jane said, “Mom, please ask them if they did.” I told her I wasn’t going to do that because it was her responsibilities to put important things away before the cleaning crew showed up. Finally Jane pointed her finger at me – I must have placed them somewhere and forgot about it.
People tend to blame others when things go wrong. We all do that whether we admit it or not. Chinese parents actually teach their children the blame game at a very young age. If a baby falls, it’s the fault of the uneven sidewalk; when a toddler bumps his head on the table, mom, dad or grandparents would hit the table to stop the child from crying.
The longer we continue to blame and make excuses for ourselves, the more natural it becomes as it gets ingrained into our belief and value system. So the blame game goes on and on, from the government that is getting so good at the game that it can’t agree on anything or get anything meaningful done, to corporate executives who blame the economy or competitions for their failure to deliver results, to parents who criticize teachers for their kids’ poor grades or unacceptable behavior, to children who kick the dog when they get scolded. Not taking accountability has devastating consequences. A government that isn’t accountable no longer serves the needs of its people. Companies that refuse to adapt and change cease to exist. Children who are moved from school to school to avoid bad teachers will never learn the work ethnics or necessary social skills to thrive in the real world.
I once had a colleague who was convinced that her boss’s prejudice was the only reason why she had been passed for promotions. Later she applied for another job within the company and was rejected. Her immediate reaction was her boss must have badmouthed her to the hiring manager, which cost her the job that should be rightfully hers.
We blame others because it’s far easier to point the finger than to own up to our mistakes. To break the cycle of blame, you first need to admit that you are actually doing it, and then take the time to understand why we feel the need to blame others, identify your role in the scenario, how you are responsible for your actions and come up with actionable steps on what you may have done differently.
Often times couples blame each other for the miserable situations they are in. “She doesn’t appreciate anything I do and is always critical. That’s I don’t even try any more.” or “He is too lazy and selfish. He doesn’t care about me and the family.” To get the relationship unstuck, it may take one person to admit, “I am responsible for the negativity I’ve brought into this relationship. I’m going to change for my own good even if he doesn’t.” Most likely the change on the part of one spouse will lead to a positive chain reaction.
People who insist that it must be someone else’s fault that something bad has happened to them always need a target to assign the blame. Don’t become that ideal and willing target to your spouse or children or your boss. If you do, you are encouraging them to continue on the path of escaping responsibility.
I advised Jane not to shift her blame on me for her lost swimsuits. She should have kept her valuables where they belong. And when she loses something in college, she has nobody but herself to blame.
Owning up to your own actions and mistakes doesn’t mean to blame yourself excessively when things don’t work out. Accountability is essentially understanding your role in the situation, making changes on what your have control over and accept or be patient with you can’t control.