“What makes someone with a hunchback happy? – When he sees a hunchback that’s still bigger,” claims a Yiddish proverb. Pleasure in the misfortune of others can be satisfying because they bring positive relief to our own perceived unhappiness. On the other hand, comparing with people who are better off than we are usually has the opposite effect on our mental state.
Envy is the very reason that causes some people to suffer from the so-called “Facebook depression.” A new study by Utah Valley University found that carefully cultivated image of a happy life by Facebook users – including smiling profile pictures and ubiquitous “best day ever” status updates – can lead some to believe that their friends’ lives are better than their own. According to sociologist Hui-Tzu Grace Chou, “those spending more time on Facebook each week agreed more that others were happier and had better lives,” despite the knowledge that everyone has good and bad days.
Last year when CBC.ca readers were asked whether they thought they suffered from Facebook depression, 31 percent said Yes, 57 percent said No, and 12 percent said they weren’t sure.
It’s easy to find people who are worse off, but we’ll also always find someone whom we can envy. Even people who are seemingly on top of the world are no exception. “If you desire glory, you may envy Napoleon. But Napoleon envied Caesar, Caesar envied Alexander, and Alexander, I dare say, envied Hercules, who never existed,” as Bertrand Russell wrote.
I used to believe that envy is part of sinful human nature. Now I view it as an evolutional motivation that sometimes can lead to irrational or even destructive behavior. During a conflict over wages in an English aeronautical turbine plant, for example, the workers were willing to sacrifice some of their income as long as the group of competing workers earned less. The workers knew, of course, that the position they took was directed against fellow union members, but in their mind it was a question of justice*.
Even though we may be born with the tendency to be envious, in which case it would be an emotion that is hard to get rid of, by engaging the left side of our brain (responsible for logical thinking and organizing thoughts into sentence), this negative emotion inducer doesn’t have to turn into a happiness destroyer.
Although pleasure found in others’ misfortune may be a temporary comfort, scientists call looking at those less fortunate downward comparison, and it is remarkably effective at boosting our happiness. If it feels wrong to boost yourself up on the sufferings of others, studies now show that people who do are actually more likely to help others, to volunteer or work toward alleviating social injustice because of their awareness of their blessings**.
A friend once told me that she got through the pain of her divorce by reading books of tragedy and suffering. They made her weep but at the same time feel that her life wasn’t so bad.
Secondly understand that envy is mutual. If you are jealous of your best friend’s successful career, she may be envious of your family. And very often we are envying someone who isn’t nearly as well off as we think. We’re annoyed by the success of others but often don’t recognize the price they had to pay for it. Take the Kardarsian family for example, they have the looks, money, fame and millions of fans (including my daughters), but it has to be challenging living their life in front of the camera. I feel sorry for Kim whose messy divorce proceeding is taking much longer than her brief 72-day marriage. That’s what she’s got to pay for keeping her face and name in the news constantly.
Another way to deal with comparison is to begin to tell one another the truth about our lives. We are often more than willing to share the good things happening in our lives but mum about the struggles we might be going through. When asked about them, we say “Fine,” or “Things are getting much better,” or “Everything will be fine.” But as Dennis Prager notes in “Happiness Is a Serious Problem,” we pay a price for everyone’s putting on a happy face – we start believing that life for everyone else is great.
Facebook may not be the right place to share our real life struggles. To me Facebook resembles a well-kept scrap book that captures major life events and the most memorable moments. The not so glamorous photos and stories are tossed out, only the best are preserved. However we can at least learn to be truthful among friends so that nobody has to feel judged or rejected if they are inclined to reveal their vulnerabilities instead of successes.
With a little clear thinking, envy could be channeled into more sensible paths and help us better recognize our own wishes and desires.
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* The Science of Happiness by Stefan Klein
**The Happiness Makeover by M.J. Ryan